I am a pretty shy singer. I usually reserve singing for the shower or when I’m home alone. The thought of having to sing in front of people, even close friends or family, used to scare me to death. I mean, when you think about it, it is a social vulnerability and opening up to being “bullied” or judged by those around you. In the field, as an ethnographer, the whole world feels raw and open to you. It’s like you just stepped outside for the first time, seeing the same things around you every day, yet you still feel like a newborn. It requires a difficult internal emotional and identity shift, balancing the truth that your presence has power. Being of Chinese descent and fluent in Mandarin, I didn’t worry about fitting into Chinese culture or not being able to make local Chinese friends. I had to realize that my cultural background was a huge superpower, and I decided to play the role of my Chinese name 关雅格。 He is outgoing, adventurous, curious about the world, and loves to learn. Every time my voice cracked walking up to a vendor to interview or ventured far out of Guilin city to get my fortune read, I continued to allow 关雅格 to take the stage.
However, it didn’t mean I abandoned my Western self either. I was born and raised in America in a different cultural landscape. I was not born in China and didn’t identify with Chinese life in the same way my participants did. So it created tension when 关雅格 wanted to be center stage, while Leon stayed on the sidelines, frowning. My friends and I decided to take a trip to do some KTV before we all left each other :(. I had only done karaoke once before, not even singing ONE song, but sitting on the couch, in the darkly lit room, waiting for this agonizing experience to be over. My one friend Kenneth LOVED to sing, so I thought it would be a good idea to go out and sing together! The four of us entered a dimly lit room, like the one I had despised from years ago, only to be surprised by the quality of the room. The room had a bunch of cool settings for lighting, temperature control, but most of all, the song selection. Endless amounts of various songs, some Chinese and some Western. To my surprise, I had an amazing time, singing my heart out! I felt 关雅格, and Leon finally learned how to share the stage! I realized I didn’t have to separate my identity to be a good ethnographer. I had to remain centered in my body, feeling the beat, smiling with my friends, laughing the night away.
Although my data was solely focused on public health and urban planning stuff, I was entranced by this fun activity that taught me about how to BE when in the field. It’s not just about getting all the treatments and talking to the most amount of people. It's about the little moments where the ethnographer and non-ethnographer in you can relax and meet up, while still being connected to the whole.